Walking the Way

Having led a busy life in education – first in schools of all levels, then in higher education teaching students and teachers – I didn’t know who I was when I found myself as the tall tree cut down! I had always been the one who coped, carried other people’s burdens and provided for needs. Many people find this confusion of identity when they have been made redundant, or forced into early retirement through ill-health, or all the children have flown the nest. In God’s mercy I had already been led back to conscious faith in Jesus Christ, so I could lean on this new awareness to take the confusion of this loss to God.

This owning and communicating of feelings, confusion, sadness even anger, was a new experience. I had lived by largely denying feelings, and ‘getting on with it’, so had no way of knowing where ‘I’ was, nor my genuine, human needs. Even now, I am almost daily surprised by a memory or awareness of lack of faith and trust, and am delighted once more when I realise I don’t have to bear this alone! Praise, and prayer for guidance and trust, changes everything. The first time God challenged me for ‘the truth’ when I was talking to Him in prayer, I said, ‘But I’m miserable Lord. You won’t like me if I’m miserable.’ On this occasion He ignored my assessment of what He would like, and received my tears and need for guidance. He told me to go to the Christian bookshop in the village.

I walked to the book shop at the other end of the village, and told the husband of the couple who owned it what had happened. He didn’t say anything except -‘Why not sit in the library area and I’ll bring you a coffee.’ As I sat there a book title leapt out to me from the shelf opposite. It was one of Tozer’s books. I think it was ‘The Pursuit of God’. I sat and read it for two hours, drinking my coffee and eating a toffee shortbread. At the end of that time I was not miserable, I knew exactly what my next step was in my walk with God and I’d learned a fundamental lesson.

God is not an ego-filled human and does not need you to pretend anything in order to make Him feel ok. He simply delights that you are turning to Him. I needed to be real with God, but He did not ‘baby’ me. He wants to bring us through our immaturity and brokenness into life in Him, in hope and trust, and able to carry our crosses and live for His purposes. So I gradually learned to accept that I would feel miserable, or angry etc at times, while walking the way. But in turning to Him and letting go of my pride, desires, wilfulness, bitterness, blaming of others or shame, all of which Christ suffered on the Cross, I could repent of my own faithlessness, and forgive any one who had hurt me, through His grace and love.

I know for myself, and for those I know on the Way, the ‘old man’ still tempts us to ‘excitement’ and ‘being happy’ in childish ways (often alcohol, drugs, sex, adventure etc..) ….. If we follow these temptations we fall off the path…but even then repentance restores us! St Paul reminds us we can choose to control these ‘passions’ and keep on the Way. In other words we put our faith and trust in Christ, and the work of the Heavenly Father, rather than in how we ‘feel’. If, as St Paul says, we ‘learn to be content in all things, whether in riches or in poverty…’ then we give thanks in all things ‘…and count every trial as gift!! Even periods of depression can be perceived as a ‘cloud’ covering the Way, and in trust in God we continue to walk, trusting we are being carried. The more we are willing to be willing to praise – the lighter the cloud becomes, and the greater acceptance of our cross and clarity within.

As we walk the Way and grow in prayer, we grow in our inner being in Christ – and inner joy becomes our consolation rather than the pleasures of the world. And we have a promise – ‘Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all the rest shall be added to you.’ We learn to trust in God’s word and come to understand the disciples response to Jesus, when He asked them if they were going to run from Him too, ‘To whom shall we go? You have the Words of Eternal Life.’

In surrendering all to God, (a daily activity!) and seeking to live in His love for all, with His forgiveness filling and purifying all bitterness and brokenness, I have found His grace to be obedient to the Holy Spirit. I have been freed to ‘take up my cross’ and to follow the Way seeking God’s purposes. In being emptied of worldly desires, I find the necessary actions in the world take on new lightness and joy – even waiting on the phone!!! ‘In dying to life you will find it’.

As the Heart of Christ within embraces the lost and broken hearts who do not know God….. in Love we are One and thus the pain and losses of others become ours – and our prayer becomes theirs. Repentance becomes a joy…… “Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us“, and Peace flows along and from the highway of ‘Walking the Way.’ Lord strengthen us and deliver us from all vain glory and selfishness, that we may walking in humility in You, fulfilling the Father’s Will to ‘do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God’.