When I found this title in my heart, I believed in the wholeness and truth in it, but it was not the time for writing it. Have you ever had that experience? You ‘see’ or recognise something but you cannot at that time either talk about it or make it happen. So it was with this. It needed to be held like a foetus in the womb and allowed to grow.
But in the last two weeks new inner experiences have led to growth of understanding so this title can bear fruit. I have been challenged to make greater surrender of the controls of my mind. These had been created when the pain related to the abuse of my body and soul as a child, had been too much for me (my mind and rational understanding) to bear. My mind wanted to avoid this pain, not being able to help the heart and soul, and ensure it didn’t happen again.
So the pain was buried and my mind became alert to all signs of danger, and I learned the rules of every situation, and ways to please, or avoid people, especially those in authority. Are these patterns of thinking familiar to you? These ways of thinking are very common for those that suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). All forms of trust, in God, life, or people, are undermined at a very deep level. And the pain in the heart lies buried.
But of course all this can be used for the good. The ability to take in fine detail and see how things ‘work’; being good at reading character; the ability to ‘hide’ emotions and self-interest within work, tasks, or serving other people can be used in many walks of life. I was blessed to become a very successful teacher, with God’s help….I found how people think and could help people relate to how other people thought. But I had no peace or stillness in my mind at any depth. There was no ‘poverty of Spirit’ because I was sure I knew how to think!!
In fact the pain was still locked away within me so I needed to be seeking, knocking and asking, to keep moving forward – not quite understanding Who or what I was seeking, nor understanding the process of avoidance of the pain. Only when I realised I could not sustain the striving within me, after 25 years in education and broken relationships around me, was God able to bring the running away to a halt…and I had to start to face the pain within. My needs were provided for, and I was given early retirement without asking for it. Glory to God.
I came back into the Church, and faith in Jesus Christ, incarnate in all who surrender their life to His Care. In fact, I had been baptised as a baby, and He had been with me through the trauma. He had sustained me in a largely loveless life, and given me grace and understanding as a teacher. But now this was about ‘healing the broken-hearted’…and although I had always provided in love for my pupils, now I was the pupil, I needed to become humble and meek…. and be willing to be changed……MY head needed to surrender to the Heart, my inner being.
This post is not the time for detail about that process….but it was a gradual and loving conformation to God’s will, to His Spirit and mind, and to purity of Heart of the Father in Love. My pain and losses were very gently revealed, day by day, and a life of prayer established like balm in my heart and routine. And He used and re-birthed the gifts He had given me formally to enable my soul and heart to grow in His Love and grace in service in new ways.
Waves of all sorts have washed over me on this journey of redemption: despair at the apparent ‘foreverness of the pain’ in my heart; the loneliness and powerlessness of the child; the wonder of having my eyes and heart opened to love for people, for everyone; gratitude at opening my eyes to the beautiful, good and true in the world and the gift of drawing and painting; the isolation of seeking to live for Christ not for the ‘old man’; the difficulties of living for Christ as a woman; and the sadness of loss of a life from conception. But in trusting in God’s Word, Who is Christ, I know He is with me, and without Him I could not stand in Love at all.
I would have been swallowed up by bitterness, shame, anger, self-righteousness, vain-glory, pride etc and lack of belief. As it is I am nothing in the world, or in the church, but in His Name and Spirit I accept He is my righteousness, my silence before all accusations – within and without, and my peace. In Him I totally trust in God the Father and even when storms brew up and I’m not sure of the way…I trust that when He’s ready He will reveal the Path..I simply have to keep praying with an open heart. Christ only did what He saw the Father doing or what the Father told Him to do.
Thus my dear readers, our pain and all the associated sense of loss and injustice, becomes silenced in Poverty of Spirit with Christ before the Cross. We believe, through His life and Spirit within us, that He IS the overcoming one, and in His purposes, we too overcome, step by step and moment by moment. There is no death without resurrection in Christ. We become part of the Healing of the world in being free to forgive and love others in God’s Love, instead of blaming and shaming either ourselves, or others. God is Love. Lord have mercy on us.
Joy of all the world, be born in us again this Christmas, that we may be conformed to Your love. Amen
If only we could have the courage and strength to open our hearts to our Lord and let Him work wonders for us, than nothing in this world would matter most than live in truth.