If you are like me, and seek to choose always for the highest you can be, maybe you too have come to those times where you realise you haven't arrived, as you fail (again) to be patient and loving in trying circumstances! By God's grace you recognise your human understanding and vision are limited or are blocked!! I have recognised this position again, over the last week. I need a change of heart, my inner being needs more of the Holy Spirit, so I can dwell more fully in Christ in total trust in the Father's work and desires. (Ephesians 3:14-19)
This is indeed the particular time of repentance if you are an Orthodox Christian, as we are still in Lent, and approaching the week of Christ's Passion. But I ask 'In what ways am I not loving Him and His life'? If I truly believe and trust in His life, death and resurrection, can I say I am all for Him if I cannot share with Him what He has brought me through as a child? All I am aware of in the depths is a sense of loss and deep blindness, and weariness at striving to keep going!! But I know I cannot change this position myself, any more than you can for your deep wounds.
But I have been reminded of the prayers and promises of Psalm 50/51
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me with Your guiding Spirit.
I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And the ungodly shall turn back to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall greatly rejoice in Your righteousness. (verses 12-16)
And the psalm goes on to tell us how we can open ourselves to God's continuing work in us:
O Lord, You shall open my lips,
And my mouth will declare Your praise.
For if You desired sacrifice, I would give it;
You will not be pleased with whole burnt offerings.
A sacrifice to God is a broken spirit,
A broken and humbled heart God will not despise. (verses 17-19)
So from this brokenness, which has a rather self-satisfied 'survival' outlook, I need to own my neediness before God. And own my selfishness, and lack of ability to love those who are struggling to keep going in righteousness and not always being loving and kind. And I need to ask for extra grace to carry His mercy to those that need it, rather than expect the mercy from others. But as the psalm makes clear I can only do it as I receive God's goodness and love:
Do good, O Lord, in Your good pleasure to Zion,
And let the walls of Jerusalem be built;
Then You will be pleased with a sacrifice of righteousness,
With offerings and whole burnt offerings;
Then shall they offer young bulls on Your altar. (verses 20-21)
Lord forgive me for my selfishness. I pray for a Change of Heart, through your mercy and love, that in deed we may offer sacrifices of righteousness in service to You in and through the Holy Spirit of unity and love. Amen