Rebuilt for Christ
Do you find yourself longing for something..but not sure what it is? It still happens to me almost daily, though I have learned that giving myself to prayer and listening in my heart for God's love and Word, brings me consolation, hope and vision for the moment. One of the losses of my life was never bonding with my mother, and of course this leaves a big loss. But there is a plus side!!
What does living with childhood 'abandonment' and PTSD give you that no-one else has? Maybe there are many dark things you'd rather not have, but one of them is a secret life of being 'hidden in Christ in God!! Why do I say that? Because God the Father promises that, 'Though your father and mother forget you I will never forget you!!'...In other words if your parents abandoned or abused you as children, God provided for you in ways that other people have not experienced. You have gifts and abilities that came from this promise of God.
One example of PTSD outcomes is the covered, or apparently denied, pain which in effect leads to mini-deaths of aspects of ones being. ...but the Bible says that God is God of the living and the dead. When He made me to understand that all the 'blanked out' bits of my life and soul were in His hands, I stopped stressing about it, and trusted that in His time and way all would be restored. But dear soul, He also gave an ability when the pain was covered and we got on with life. Once we are strong enough to come out of denial, we still have the grace to choose to engage our feelings, or not. This enables us to 'get on with the job' that needs doing even if we don't feel like doing it. We actually have more control over how current or exposed feelings affect us.
Over the years as He gave great healing I found greater balance in my life, with restoration of parts of my being I had never known or lived. Yet I realised I need to keep choosing for Christ, His Way and His closeness to the Father..and be obedient to what I saw the Father asking or providing. This choosing for Christ's way is vital if we are to overcome the evil that we suffered. We need to hold on to the prayer, 'Lord I believe, help Thou my unbelief'. But because our will for good was attacked, we need to recognise that sometimes being willing to walk Christ's way seems impossible. However a simple turning in God's direction with,'Lord I am willing to be willing to be willing ...to be willing to do Your will', changes the situation. I find that once I have surrendered something to Christ in this way, my will and sense of being are softened by His Love, then I want to be obedient.
Also I remembered all He had provided for me in the part of my being that went on living after the abuse, my intellect. It became clear to me that all He had given me through His grace as a child, teenager and then as a student and teacher, needed to be owned and accepted through faith and the Holy Spirit. But the owning and using of these gifts is always in relation to His purpose, not for vain glory or pride.
He had made it clear to me from the beginning of my re-commitment to Christ, that the lie 'Love is a lie', that was deep within me, would be overcome through the victory of the Cross. Thus it would become, 'Love is aliVe'. And I learned that He wanted me to LIVE His Word in Love every day, as was possible. Glory to God I seek to do that, and He still provides open doors for me to receive further healing and deliverance, often when least expected.
But right now there are key facets of my being that need to be brought to the Light. I still live with a deep fear of being alive, or being visible, particularly of speaking the truth in Love to those in authority. I have been passive, praying over the hurts I have received, and praying for 'my enemies'...sometimes for hours, until the hurt was dissolved and I could face the person again with a pure and loving heart in Christ. Yet I am not fully redeemed in my inner being. I am still praying about this, and look for His love to carry me into a new place. I look, not simply for a place of forgiveness, I have forgiven and I forebear, but to a place where truly all are believing that 'In Christ is neither east nor west, Greek nor Jew, male nor female.' This is what I seek and pray for. This is my hope and prayer for the Church, and all who call on the Name of Jesus.
So I am looking for this wholeness of Christ in me, that I may stand in Him, totally 'at home' in Christ , with others, with that sense of BEING that only comes through being 'rooted and grounded in Christ's love' (Ephesians 3:14-21). Through this we know all can be united in Love and the purposes of God. Each stone of the wall fits with those around and together the Kingdom is built and strengthened. Individually we find, that in Christ the grave cannot hold those who choose for Christ. And in choosing for Christ and persevering in prayer, praise and thanks-giving, we find the 'works of God prepared for us', and flow in harmony.
Come Holy Spirit. Come Lord Jesus let Your prayer for Oneness re-unite your Church in love, wisdom, prayer, repentance and the wonder of knowing we live for Your will and Kingdom.