Sacrificial Love: Overcoming Death

Dearest Reader, I want to celebrate with you the wonder of a life surrendered for Christ's Life over 30 years ago!!  

Did I truly know what I was 'doing' when I followed the leading of the Holy Spirit and the guidance of the Anglican vicar, who, on our 2nd arranged meeting invited me to invite Christ into my heart, and surrender my life to Him?  No I didn't. But I knew I was utterly broken, empty and without hope inside, as the man I was living with did not want to marry me!!  And the Bible readings and book the vicar had given me to read at the first meeting, had spoken deep into my heart and given me hope in ways I could not find words for.  

By the time of the second visit I hadn't finished the suggested reading,  John Stott's book 'Basic Christianity' and hadn't reached the prayer of repentance and surrender to Christ, but had read in the Bible, 'The Holy Spirit will lead you into all Truth'. That gave me hope.  But here I was with the vicar telling me he was being invited to ask me to give my life to the Lord. Someone wanted me!!!!

There was so much I had no understanding of at that time, but God knew my need, and my broken heart.  But God also knew that I had obedience to His Holy Spirit working in me.... the previous night I had been convinced in my inner being that I should not get into bed with the man I co-habited with who had just returned from a trip away.  I was afraid and didn't initially take action.  But in the middle of the night I woke with the same feeling, and got out of the bed, and made up a bed in the spare room.  In the morning I told J what had happened. I was giving up false dependence on earthly 'love'.

When I got home after giving my life to Christ, I drew a picture of the Light coming into the door of my heart.  How real and TRUE this was. 

What the Lord was offering me was His Life to replace all the losses and deaths of my childhood!  These lived out as all the denial, dissociation and repression that are the coping strategies following trauma. My mind was expert at cutting off all pain, and denying need - but there were problems with these as there is no will for God/Good or humility in all those broken bits.  Indeed this is the nature of our 'sin' - ie separation from God, ourselves and others. Instead we live by the law, rules, and may become very self-righteous, (or totally wilful and evil).

I had promised Jesus to live for Him, after the final childhood abuse, but I had no  conscious sense of God's gentleness - only of His courage, and severe obedience to the Father, in going to the Cross.  I had thrown away all toys and dolls at the age of 9 and in most ways gave up on joy and playing. 

But God takes us where we are, and over the 30 years following this act of repentance, surrender, and re-birth in the Spirit, gave me a re-education!!  He and the Mother of God re-parented me, with our Lord Jesus as Friend, Husband, guide and prayer warrior, and the Holy Spirit increasingly my Comforter.   I started to travel and was guided into an understanding of family life, through l'Abri Community in Switzerland; and grew in relationships of permanence through Bussy Monastery in France - starting in 2007 - and still continuing.  

My life was extended in simple ways like drawing and painting, coming to serve God's purposes to bless others. I found myself with 'house' renovation/repair projects; both for myself and finally for the benefit of a friend. All these 'activities' led me to new relationships with people, confidence that in Christ, I could tackle these things, and cope with the day to day dashed hopes, and seeking God's way.  All these were overcoming the death of 'life' through childhood trauma, and the sense of Self that was crushed.

I was immediately brought back to drawing and art though it took time and instruction to embrace colour and the subtleties of form.  Dear soul, if you have even a tiny desire...follow the path and learn more of God's love and provision! I found myself starting to make a water colour calendar for 2001, when at Leith School of Art, and for a further 20 years I produced calendars, at least 1 a year, and sometimes 2. These were all an offering  of love and service for the Kingdom.

Later I was strengthened even more in patience and in the inner being as I committed myself to learn to paint icons, with all the preparation, and prayer needed to open the heart to the Mystery of the Person or event depicted.  My whole being needed to be open to Christ's Life, Death and Resurrection.

But all 'human' learning was in the context of Christ's humanity - whole, pure, obedient to the Father, loving and serving.  And finally I was offered the opportunity to 'take up your cross and follow Me'.  Humanly I was  ill-prepared for God's purposes as I moved into a Parish to serve.

I was unable to live out what I felt was my gifting in Christ, and accepted to be 'a servant' for the parish, which often denied me the 'right' to live by the Holy Spirit as I knew it.  Desiring to live for Love and for a greater good, I kept praying and saught for harmony, even in 'death' with forgiveness.  Now I think about it, I lived some of the trials that St Paul talked about, so when I or my work was reviled, I blessed and prayed. 'Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure;'.  I think St Paul's prayers must have been with me, because certainly this is what I had grace to do.

But humanly I was given hidden treasure within!  As I loved and blessed and prayed for the people of the parish, I was being enabled access to all the deaths of my childhood that had been buried rather than brought consciously to the Cross.  Through the trials experienced in the present, I was blessed with old memories, recognition of unfruitful behaviour patterns and the thoughts and situations they came from.  Because I saught to trust and love God with all I was I had opportunity to bless and forgive those involved, and gradually to see all the trials as gift, in knowing more of the Love and Grace of God.   Truly deaths were being, are being, turned to LIFE!!

I know that ONLY IN CHRIST, only in Love and obedience to the Will of God the Father and through the Holy Spirit in humility, can I live for and worship God in Spirit and in Truth.  Not simply going to church on a Sunday or for other services, that is not strictly speaking anything but obedience to law. But in obedience to the Love and purposes of God, meeting with others to Love and worship God, to be further redeemed by the Body and Blood of Christ, and to be mutually building each other up in Christ - this pleases God because then He is always foremost.    So we truly go out 'in Christ' looking to LIVE day by day for God's Love and purposes for our lives.  Truly He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

I love the Truth that 'Christ makes all things new'... Wow!  Are you bored with washing up dear soul?  Ask the Lord to make it new!..   I like that I find myself  sometimes ensuring I have done the washing up and left the sink etc clear before I go to bed, and other times, I am moved to leave it, tidily, but in order to get to bed in time to pray or read etc.

I love the thanksgiving that comes from my heart that I can still do the washing and housework as sort of punctuation points in my day, when I need to create balance with online work.  I love giving my back a rest at the same time as making phone calls and keeping in touch with people- but lying down!  I love surrendering EVERY burden to my Lord as it emerges from the dark, and inviting His Love and Word to break it open into something fruitful and loving!  'Truly 'new every morning is His Love'...

Dear souls, the Light that came into my darkened fearful inner being/heart nearly 32 years ago, has brought me a freedom through His Word, grace and Love, that no-one can remove. Baptism as a child had enabled me to be given grace to forgive and overcome the immediate effects of the childhood abuse, and to provide me with opportunities to choose to believe in 'Christ as the Son of God' (after A level Scripture at 18).    This led to my life in Education but I had no inner freedom to believe that God loved me as a person.

God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,  has now united my unutterable brokenness through trauma, with the part of me that served Him as a teacher, but did not consciously know what Love was, apart from what I gave to children, students, or teachers that I served. Humility in Christ gives me freedom, and eyes to see the other without all the pride, shame or judgement that once sullied my thinking.  As Christ forgives me, so I come to forgive, or bless, those who offend me.....but no offence can harm me in any True sense.  This is our Truth in Christ.   Truly nothing separates us from the Love of God.

Dear Readers - Christ says, "Come to Me all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest..." (Matthew 11:28) ...If you have need - I encourage you to open your heart door and invite Him in.             Come Lord Jesus.