Desires Covering Pain and Shame: becoming Love in Christ

I guess as I get older, there are fewer who grew up like me in war-time poverty and the blessing of being content with little.   But you too may have experienced poverty in one form or another...whatever age you are.   But we are challenged in these days of strident advertising and a culture of encouraging children to ask for what they want. I sometimes feel I am in danger of becoming a demanding child!! 

'You deserve it'....'I want...' 'Here's what you want...' are all slogans that adverts bombard our minds with. Our own wills, or demanding spirits in us are frequently elevated to gods who must be obeyed. Even St Paul said, 'I do the things I would not do, and I don't do the things I would do.'  Its clear we are in a spiritual battle fighting the 'world, the flesh and the devil'.  These can be interpreted as the habits and behaviours stemming from the belief that this life is all there is - the world; or those things we do to give pleasure as felt by the body - the flesh; or the behaviours that stem from wanting power and control over others - the devil.  

St John in his 1st letter makes it clear that there is 'no-one who does not sin'.  Yet in repentance we can be restored to closeness with God, if we are willing to surrender our ego and the feeling we should have the satisfaction of these things, face the pain, shame, losses of our lives,  to invite humility, purity of heart and trust in God's provision. !!

When I was brought back to a living faith in Christ, I was more aware of my inner neediness than I was of 'repentance'.  And in my worldliness I felt strong and didn't understand why I needed God!!  Does this feel familiar to you?  

By God's grace I had been built up through education, and in Education, and did everything I knew how to serve and be obedient.  But although I had been given great grace to become a good teacher, I had a big hole in my heart, my inner being,  in which festered shame, pain, loss and 'its not my fault' mentality.  All of this was consciously locked away but came out through interactions with people, and in subconscious attitudes to myself and other women.  Instead of humility was shame and covert aggression.

In some spheres in our world today, any suggestion that we need to 'repent' of anything is denied.  And love of God and the mystery of His Love in the Gift of the Cross and Christ's Resurrection is equally repulsed by worldly minds....just as I did. Very slowly, after I had given my life to Christ, I was weaned from being a workaholic, 'I can do it', to open my heart and mind to other life-giving activities to bring balance to my life and human spirit. I had a very strong sense of His Presence leading me, and was willing to go where He sent me.... but it wasn't the worldly me that left England to go to a community in Switzerland. An inner conviction and courage, hidden in Christ, gave me humility to Trust in God the Father,  leading me.  I once said to someone, the Peter in me, who risked any action, had had to give way to the Mary in me, who simply trusted through humility and love!

For 30 years from that time in 1990 when I gave my life to Christ, I have been led, fed and stripped naked of my defences covering my shame and pain. But at the same time as I gradually facing my pain and losses, my inner being has been built in Christ. I have an inner strength and resilience to be able to stand in faith, hope and love, despite the things that happened to me, or that are happening now.  And now I am nothing in worldly terms. I have no 'authority' or position that I can hide behind to give me confidence in worldly terms.  And at times only my faith in the Promises of God hold me before Him too!! 

And now I have compassion for those who suffered PTSD because of their childhood neglect, abuse, rejection and the shame this roots in the mind and body of the child. I am in awe of God's promises 'Though your father and mother reject you, I will never abandon you.' I see and hear the wonder of the work God has done to uphold me, and all abused children, and the spiritual gifts He has given them often without them realising the source of their gift.  

And I see two realities in relation to wanting and demanding worldly goods or position.  Firstly, I know that 'nothing in the world' can truly satisfy or heal my broken heart, and secondly, no fleshly satisfaction can take the place of repentance, prayer, the Word of God, and Communion in the Eucharist.  All pride melts away in the Light of Christ's love and Presence, and repentance becomes a joy and blessing when we see any remaining self-will, demandingness, or vain-glorious desire.   

Dear reader, you may be wondering whether this 'tough love' that seems to take everything away, leaves us with nothing?  God's Love is still leading us on a journey, of repentance and purification, so we keep seeking, knocking and asking to know more of His life and Love. Yet as our reason for living becomes purified, we are living for Christ's purposes.  Thus we find that some of the delights we had 'in the world' are re-combined into our lives 'in Christ' and they become a means of sharing Love with others, or a means of communication to a particular person. Thus the delight is no longer the focus of our actions and intention, because the focus has become the other person, or their need which has changed the reason for our actions.  

As an example I found myself today in a garden with various stalls - some craft stalls, and one a large 'antique/bric-a-brac' stall. I used to seek these out in my earlier life- then gave them up as they were wasting my time and money!!  But I needed to use 10 minutes or so in this garden environment while waiting for someone, so went to look at this stall. I got into conversation with the wife of the couple who ran it. My experience enabled me to make relevant questions and comments, which enabled her to speak more openly with me, and the whole encounter became purifying and healing for her, and for her husband.  

To God be the glory who loves to open doors of hope, beauty and love in people's hearts. No-one will be brought to Christ, or grow in Christ, unless they experience His love through us.  And only when we know His ways, because we have lived through purification by them and been taught by Him and the Holy Spirit, can we be 'His hands and feet, heart and voice' walking where people are!  

Good strength dear souls, to embrace repentance for all the ways you have covered up shame, pain and loss, and find the beauty, hope and joy of living in the powerlessness of total surrender to God's love and grace.  Amen.