.. you also are the called of Jesus Christ;….Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 1:6-7b)

Dearest reader, May you have peace in your heart and mind in that Peace that comes from total acceptance of our calling in Christ, and trust in the Father.

Yet, I don't know about you, sometimes the waves of life are not simply storms at sea, I can more and more cope in prayer with those, but are found in mutiny within the ship - ie in me.   For the last two weeks during prayer time I have been hearing 'Why?'  I felt some part of my mind/soul/being, was not totally committed to my calling in Christ...accepting and living the grace of each moment in obedience to what I had been blessed to do; Always praising and giving thanks, and seeing every trial as blessing. I have been able and willing to do that increasingly. But here was this road block!!  Some part of my mind and soul was still not accepting that the constant abuse I suffered as a child was within the 'call of Jesus Christ'.  

I have come to know that if God does not simply 'take it away' - I have more 'death' to relive so that I may be free of the psychological effects of PTSD so I can live and love in Him. I also have to hate the 'sin' that stems from the mind that is kicking against the 'reality' of my life.  Last night I hated myself staying up too late, and not doing what I had agreed to do on line. Subconsciously I was trying to provide myself with 'love' in watching (perfectly innocent) TV programmes - but afterwards I knew I was not turning to God with the pain and trusting Him to bring release through prayer.  Still He blessed me with sleep but I prayed I would rise with Him in the morning. 

So during prayer time this morning, still with Why in my mind, I found myself with awareness of more of the pain of being 'despised and rejected' as a female human being, and never having known unconditional love as a child.  I learned to cater for myself when my mother could not bear my pain when I was ill as a baby. I learned to never expect anything, except to give in order to 'serve' others. And by God's grace I forgave unspeakable abuse by my step-father. All of that appears very holy, and clearly was a gift of God. But the 'Why' was in relation to being a girl/woman who was called to bless and serve, without human blessings of love!! 

And yet, I know that God always provides for my needs, and yesterday (before the TV watching) I found myself listening to a new podcast of 'Becoming a Healing Presence' (Albert Rossi, Ancient Faith Radio)).  In it he talks about pain and suffering and the difference between them.  As an example he (and the Bible) talks about the pain of childbirth. Yet because of the outcome, and the joy of 'giving birth' to new life there is no extended 'suffering'.  He was emphasising that even 'rethinking' something that has caused pain through the Spirit and Life of Christ,  changes the whole face and purpose and removes the suffering.  Why is it removed? because 'through His stripes we are healed'.  And only in inordinate Love does God do this work.  I never felt condemned, and even the self-pity I wept, was passing as I handed over to Christ.

So dear reader, do not be afraid to accept those invitations to face the hidden hurts in your mind and body, but know that you cannot work them through in your human strength.  I rest on Christ's Words about being saved, 'with man it is impossible, but nothing is impossible for God.' (Matthew 19:26)  So I accept that more of my darkness has been brought to Light. Does the reality of the neglect of women, even the abuse of women, go away?  No it doesn't but if I can bear this pain, in Christ, and continue to pray for all abused, neglected and despised women who are called 'fools' even by some church fathers, then the nature of the pain changes.  I am being obedient to Christ's words to the women of Jerusalem, 'Don't weep for me, but weep for yourselves' (Luke 23:28).    And I leave my life in the Father's hands.  I cannot and will not force anything or anybody.  But I will continue, by God's grace in prayer and supplication.

Let us allow 'all that is in the dark'- to come to the Light being changed by our acceptance that we 'are the called in Jesus Christ', and we are given grace through Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   My dear ones, God needs our Yes and our hatred of the 'running away' sins in order that we can be transformed through the Holy Spirit.  Do not be like Judas who could have been forgiven...instead he despaired - and many women are so tuned to having to deny their own needs and pain, and accept every condemnation and ridicule heaped on them, they have lost that intimacy with God in their hearts.  He longs to embrace us in Christ.  He will reveal our road blocks.... and enable us to remove them through repentance and His Truth in Love, and our life in Christ.  

And how will God provide love for me, and us, in this life, that I may continue?   I have to remember - 'Be still and know that I Am God' and spend regular time in prayer, reconciliation, and contemplation, bringing my head down into my Heart. In His Presence my heart, mind and soul are stilled, and are opened to His grace and mercy.  In all my work I acknowledge His Presence and Love.  And a smile comes on my face when I remember this!!!! Like the mother who has birthed a new life!!

Lord have mercy on your suffering ones. Amen