I am aware, dear readers, that this is a sensitive subject and denies rational understanding. For that very reason mourning is not well lived in many educated cultures. The pain and sense of loss often lives on, though in denial, in mind, soul and body because it was never sufficiently ‘owned’, suffered and moved through in understanding and love. This is particularly so for children. I have said before that loss takes many forms, but always involves a major shake up of some aspect of life we thought of as secure, life giving and just ‘part of life’, and thus believed we could expect.
The grieving involved in losing parents, is accepted, though even that, if not properly mourned can still leave long lasting wounds that affect the life of the one bereaved. So let us consider this promise of God, what He is offering, and wants to enable.
Most of our initial reaction to loss, the death of someone we loved, or the loss of something (like a job, or illness, or natural disaster) is shock and numbness. Then sadness, anger (often at God), and confusion emerge as we face having to live with a big hole in our life or change our thinking and lives. Depending on our faith and trust in God, most of these reactions are focussed on ‘me’ and what I am suffering. This is understandable but needs to move through that self-centredness in order to be mourned in fullness.
Mourning involves emotions, mind and will, and when done with prayer and crying out to God for help, the Holy Spirit, over time, enables the mourner to see the fullness of the picture. In relation to emotions, we feel devastated, abandoned, without hope, and suffering a large hole in our lives to begin with. With prayer, and an openness to receive, we are ‘comforted’, strengthened in our spirit, and without words we find courage to persevere and to look beyond our feelings.
As we regain an awareness that actually life does ‘go on’, the Holy Spirit of Truth brings other aspects of our relationship with the person, or work, or whatever we have lost, and we may need to own our destructive thoughts in relation to the situation. This often results in anger with ourselves, or with the person or situation. Only with prayer and humility are we able to both forgive, and receive God’s forgiveness for lack of love, or faith in His provision. This cleansing of the mind in relation to loss takes us ultimately to gratitude for what we had been given, and praise and open-ness to a future hidden in God’s hands.
At the initial grieving of loss, the will for good may be stuck. In fact many will try to control the emotional pain by wilfully putting their mind in some fantasy – “He’s not dead, he’s out”, for example. When these thinking ploys fail , the emotions may still take over, and even eating and sleeping may seem impossible. Those without faith in God, who do not know that they do not have to let their emotions rule them, are often prescribed some form of tranquilizer at this stage. When the shock subsides, just doing what is in each day becomes possible. Gradually, especially with prayer and a will to face the pain and thoughts, and to forgive and bless, ordinary acts of grace become restored.
Overtime a new way is found to have emerged that does not deny the person or thing lost, but embraces all the fullness of the person, or other loss. The will to live commits afresh to the present moment. In this way over time, the loss/death receives new life within the whole-hearted mourning and God’s comfort, which sanctifies, cleanses and enlivens the broken heart, brings new strength and greater love for, and trust in God.
Over time the Holy Spirit may reveal deeper, unhealed facets of old losses, and we may need to re-face the emotions, mind sets and will at a deeper and higher level. This is God’s work, and leads us to become witnesses for Him. Isaiah 43 describes this process, as we suffer or get angry but are not overwhelmed, because He is with us. And because of what we have learned we become His witnesses.
“You are My witnesses,” says the LORD, “And My servant whom I have chosen, That you may know and believe Me, And understand that I am He. Before Me there was no God formed, Nor shall there be after Me. (Isaiah 43:10)
Essentially what we learn is that nothing and nobody IN the world can, in the long run, carry us in love or provide for our needs like God. All our lives are hidden in Him, and all dependencies on others, even parents or spouses, or work, are temporary and transient. We need to be willing to learn, like St Paul, that every loss is gain, in knowing more of Jesus Christ as Son of God. All our suffering is in Him so we have faith and hope that in our mini-deaths we will know resurrection, even if we have suffered loss upon loss like Job.
Lord Jesus Christ in our grief may we have courage to mourn and ask You to bring your comfort, guidance and love to our empty places, to your praise and glory. Amen.