How can I describe my thirsty soul, that desperately needed to trust in a God that provided!! For years I had believed I had to provide for everyone else, and for me with whatever strength I had left. As a result I neither really knew my needs, nor could accept I could be provided for!
But from the moment He called my name when I was weeping in despair on my bed, my life began to change. The man I was living with did not want to marry me, and I could see no hope. When I heard my name, I did not immediately acknowledge that this was of God, though something within me was encouraged. However from that point I started to be aware of things happening for my greater good. I wanted to thank this ‘Thing” that was helping me..so started going to the nearest church.
That was 30 years ago, and since then, although I have passed through the dark night of the soul facing old suffering, I have nevertheless come to see and believe in the provision of God in so many ways, even when I thought He’d abandoned me. Having started to pray the prayer of St Paul for the Ephesians (Chap.3:14-19)….I started to understand the ‘height and the depth of Christ’s love’. This is important in order to accept the tiny moments of God’s grace and mercy, as well as the times when we feel almost overwhelmed by joy in God’s love.
Just yesterday, Tuesday, I had difficulty in seeing God’s love and provision in relation to myself. I had arranged for two friends to come and help me start moving from Flat 7 (to be given to the new priest) to Flat 5, one of the newly refurbished apartments in the rest of Church House. One arrived early, so I went to make arrangements for access to the main part of the house as work was being done in the hall. The workman was unable to give me access or say when we could bring things in. I had to send the helper away and arranged for him to return on Thursday. I was in a mild state of shock, but when the 2nd helper arrived, I did ask him to bring some things down from upstairs to make moving on Thursday easier. Then he too had to go home, unable to commit to Thursday.
I guess God’s provision of love, was my willingness to recognise the stress of the workman, and to remain calm and without bitterness. But I did feel much disappointment that I had, in effect, to waste 2 days. But I rested and did other things with the time, and refused to deny my trust in God.
Now 6 days on from the enforced rest, I can gratefully see the kindness of the two people who came on Thursday and moved the bulk of the large furniture, and on Friday more bags and boxes. Then on Sunday after church there was a small army of willing helpers who largely cleared everywhere except the kitchen, which will be done today.
The internet connection also has to be moved, all planned to be re-installed on the 2nd of September! But I have been told this will not happen… without a promise of when it will be completed!! This is partly why I’m writing this now, to connect with you all before I cannot. But still I believe that God will provide for my needs, and enable me to do what is necessary. I may need to ask for more grace to go to another source, but dear souls, always these things depend on our willingness to be open and let go of what we had planned and anticipated.
Believing and seeing God’s provision is a bit like weight training or any fitness regime. We grow in trust in God, through recognising our need, praying, and seeing He does provide. In gratitude and love, we come to trust more and more in His provision, while growing in maturity in faith. I remember His provision of a house when I moved out from the man I had been living with. Two Christian friends volunteered to come house hunting with me. It became clear which house I should buy though it wasn’t what I would have chosen as it was a bit big and had underfloor heating. Even the changes necessary became easily completed when I was away on a conference. The house was perfect for a family who would take it over two years further on!
This demonstration as God as Father and provider gave me confidence to persevere and believe I would always be provided for materially. But also the fruits of the Spirit start to grow within me, sometimes without my awareness. Thus patience, and kindness to others even in adversity, are part of God’s provision too, and material provision seems less significant as we grow in grace.
By not getting anxious, but believing in God’s word, we are open to using every moment to praise or serve God in other ways. No wonder Jesus said, ‘Do not be anxious about tomorrow…’ as we cannot praise or trust God if we are anxious, or trying to control everything, as this always entails clinging to our own understanding of what should happen. Of course we have concern for others, particularly those we love, but in truth, we are not trusting in God, either for His mercy for them, or His love for us.
Lord have mercy on us and help us release fear and doubt and thus believe in the wonder of Your Love and eternal provision, letting every trial here, bear fruit for Eternity. Amen
May all your needs be provided for you including the internet when you need it
Thank you