‘Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you’ (Luke 11:9)

                   Where am I? Where am I going?

Perhaps you have wondered if I have dropped off the edge of the world? Not quite but in the last 4 weeks it has sometimes felt like it!! So please forgive my silence.

Dear souls, for the last 2 months my heart has been wondering if God was going to provide a blessing and a reality for my move back to where He originally called me in 1997. Was it my vain imagination? Was I being selfish? What and where was my truth in Christ? Do you have these sort of questions, those which require much self-control to keep leaving them in God's 'hands'- sometimes via a spiritual father?

I had learned over the years to hand back to God any impulse to do anything, especially for my own good, and not to run away from anything because it was hard. Instead I called on the Lord for patience, or perseverance, or long-suffering, and surrendered all my wounds to His Cross and healing, and learned to 'count it joy' to know more of His love and Life, even on the Cross. So I waited and prayed, and continued serving as needed in the parish, and as blessed re the on-line work.

Then one Sunday, some months back, having handed over to the Cross some anguish of my soul, it was as if, through the Eucharist, I was receiving an answer, and I found myself knocking on a door for help to discern God's Heart. By the following day the door opened again to a new path with help to follow, slowly and lovingly, a path that was slowly to be revealed.

So for 2 months, day by day the Lord would show me what I needed to do...'guiding me with His eye', and I slowly prepared the room I was in for stripping back, for packing, while yet loving and serving in the parish. I was never given grace to 'go ahead' of God, but always to stay in the grace He was providing. So by grace I made arrangements to go and see my family for a September birthday - and 5 days before I left I was given the blessing to start seeking for somewhere to live around Edinburgh after the birthday visit in the Highlands of Scotland.

Despite the Job's comforters (in me too) I kept following 'what I could do' and leaving the outcome in God's hands. I discovered 'mid-market-rent' flats - found their phone number - spoke to someone about how to see all of what they were offering - and she gave me the web-site link to access them. By this time I had made the initial application for one, and when I phoned on that first Tuesday found it had gone. So I immediately searched for the website link that I had been given, and first saw a flat near the sea.

I was at my son's house and people were arriving, so I quickly sent off the initial application, and phoned back when I did not receive the email with the application form. She explained they had only just put that flat on the website and the application was probably with me now! It was. By God's grace I filled in the form, got a letter of recommendation as a tenant requested from my parish priest, and by that evening was able to send off all they required to show my interest and suitability.

By Friday I had heard nothing!! What was I to do? I started looking at ordinary agency flats, and early Monday morning was at the agents in Portobello to try and get a viewing for another flat, more expensive than I wanted, and one bedroom. They gave me an appointment for 11 so I went back to my friend's flat to fill in their on-line form and wait.

While starting to do this, I received an email from Touchstone, the Mid-market-rent association. They needed me to supply the proof of my pensions other than the bank-statements, and then they would fix a viewing. I was both happy and sad. But I phoned them and explained all my proofs were in England - she said, 'No problem I couldn't fix a viewing till next week anyway.' So I shared what was on my heart, 'But if you are taking other people round this week it will be gone'! 'No' she said -' its yours!! - I have 50 other properties to deal with too'.

The stairs to 258 High Street.

So in faith, I went to look at the property from the outside, returned to the Midlands, found and emailed the letters and pension payment slips she wanted, and drove back up for the viewing the following Tuesday. Only after I had formally accepted the offer of the tenancy, after viewing, did I have any written confirmation that I had a flat to move to.!! In looking at other Touchstone properties, I had seen that many did not have all 'white goods' which needed to be supplied, and frequently there was no flooring such as carpets or laminate flooring. When I went to view my flat, I saw that ALL was in place so I didn't need to work out how to get flooring down before the men started unloading furniture!!

The packing and arranging removals, and trusting that I would be provided for has all come through prayer, often the Jabez Prayer, 'Lord extend my boundaries, that You may be with me'...(1 Chronicles 4:9-10) and day by day He would give me vision of what needed to be packed, done etc, and peace in my soul to do it without anxiety.

All the normal anxieties came to me, the last Sunday at church, which actually passed with great blessing in a farewell 'do' after church with a gluten free feast of sandwiches and cakes(!!):

and final packing on Monday, and visiting etc on Tuesday; ...........

And the day of moving...yet all went well and I was given yet more grace to do the 6 hour drive up North again, simply trusting that God would provide the papers I was meant to sign on Monday or Tuesday, which hadn't arrived! In fact they arrived in time for my arrival outside the flat...in the rain....and needing to use my small iPhone to do 'Docusign' signatures on tiny pages of the documents. I simply had to trust I was putting the signatures in the right place....it was all so small I could not rationally be sure of anything!! And I got into the house an hour before the men arrived so was able to put down the rugs etc that I had included in the cars load. I wanted to try and preserve something of the nice light carpets!!!

And for two weeks, the reverse process has needed to be done as I seek to make this two bed-roomed flat into a space for living, iconography and hospitality, trusting God in all things. Have I been set-free from all ancient burdens? No - but He had told me that I would need to 'fall' before I rise again...and indeed I have been stripped further of all false expectations and hopes, and led into greater poverty of spirit, deeper prayer and forgiveness - no judgement is of Christ and we need to be free of all self-righteousness to live for His Love.

'In stillness and rest is your salvation' ...and I am dwelling in this place with the rhythm of the tides, the witness of the birds which call and come to the provision that the receding tides provide. And I wait to see what God provides for me ....maybe the strength to complete the ordering of this flat ..... and beds being delivered (God willing) by the end of the week. God will make a way, in Spirit and in Truth.

God willing, His grace will fulfil the longing in my heart, 'To do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God.'

May any trials you are going through, be lightened by knocking, seeking and asking, that we all may live out our baptism in His grace and for His purposes.

Lord have mercy. Amen