I wrote in a previous blog (Grumbling or Giving Thanks) about the number of T-shirts I had in relation to grumbling. This mind set is related to the half-full or half-empty vision of the glass, or seeing the weeds in the flower bed rather than the flowers. But it also related to the way I saw people. All these attitudes come from darkness within. In faith we let in the Light of Christ’s love and forgiveness. But how does God bring about change when we have little awareness of our heart-mind-sets?
In the early days back within a church, I went on a day retreat called, ‘What do you want me to do for You?’ I naturally assumed this was my question to God. But the man leading the day, offered us the question as if God was asking us!!! Wow! He set time for us to consider this question and gave the option of going outside. I immediately chose to do that, but so did many others. I turned off to go down a path alone…. which led to a shut gate. I reluctantly turned round and saw other participants spread out over the playing field. I sensed God saying to me, ‘These are My people. I’d like you to love them!!’…. What patience for our God of love to speak like that! I realise now He was showing me what I needed to ask HIM to do for me!!
I had survived my early years by learning the rules of situations, seeking to serve where I could, and my broken heart was protected and totally hidden. But here was God asking me to love His people, when I was aware of my broken heart! I came to see He was asking me to take on board St Paul’s invitation to chose the greater spiritual gift, Love.
I didn’t understand this invitation at the time of that day retreat, but soon after I was recommended to go to a Christian community in Switzerland for a term. I spent a total of 20 months in Switzerland, 3 months in the community where I lived (and learned) more of family and community life, then 17 months living as a Roman Catholic in a parish. In the parish, I was able to go to mass everyday, and I began to understand more of the ‘Love that will not let you go’, and the invitation to be pure of heart.
I discovered my impurity because frequently God would ask me to do a particular kindness for some one in need, that I had never received myself. In making me aware of my reluctant attitude, He also gave me grace to pray for help. Only in His grace could I go ‘out of my way’ and do the kindness. But I also saw His provision and love for me. One Sunday for example I had decided to invite some friends from the church to lunch…..but they were all busy with other engagements. I was disappointed, but that afternoon was blessed by a calligraphy, putting together three psalms, emphasising God’s mercy for the broken-hearted. I started to love my neighbour freely when I knew more of His love, life and will in and through me.
(He) declared to us your love in the Spirit.
For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;
that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;
strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy;
giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.
He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love,
in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1: 8-14
As I journeyed on, having returned from Switzerland, seeking to love and live by the Word of God in obedience, I would frequently fall from grace, as I reached my own emptiness and lovelessness. The only place to go was to prayer, and inviting the Light of Christ deeper into the darkness. Through confession and repentance, the immediate hurt would be revealed. Then, providing I stayed with the pain and sense of loss, I would find the healing balm of the Holy Spirit giving me strength and building my desire to serve, and persevere in love. My layers of separation from God, from myself and others were gradually being changed from dark to Light and Love.
We cannot separate love of God, from love of our neighbour, near or far, and true honouring of all that is made in the image of God within us. As we are invited to maturity we need to know that truth that ‘Love is patient and long-suffering.’ (1 Cor 13: 6) – which means all impatience and self-interest is not of God – and results from our pride. Just today, I accepted the fact that I need to move out of the apartment I have been housed in for the last 18 months. Major works are being done in the rest of the Church House which has meant fairly constant disturbance to make this part self contained. Emotionally I was tired of moving but was invited through prayer to make it my will to move, in order to bless the new priest and his family with adequate housing. This goodwill bore fruit in Love and action, and I am finding new courage, strength and love for heavy work to be light! Also I found joy in moving bags and boxes stored for someone else into the church office. This morning it had seemed a heavy chore….. but after my change of heart – it was a joy!!! To God be the glory – but God needs our will.
We cannot change other people, and our circumstances are not necessarily under our immediate control and both people and circumstances can be difficult. They may trigger painful memories, but we do have choices about how we respond if we are living for Christ. His Word, Truth and Love always bring Light and Love into the situation to change the spirit working in us. We persevere in faith and on the way we serve, bless and love in Christ…and bear small miracles of grace into every encounter and ‘ordinary’ life, transforming them, through His Love, into the extraordinary, and overcoming darkness with praise and thanksgiving. In His time the fullness of His Love and Light will be revealed if we persevere.
Lord Jesus, I believe, help Thou my unbelief, that I may turn to You for Your Love and Light when the attitudes of darkness threaten to defeat me, and carrying my cross seems too much. Amen.